Meeting and Playing Safely

Safety must always come first. 

In this section, we offer some tips to help promote a safe environment.  As an important note, any activities that fall outside the bounds of safe, sane, and consensual are the responsibility of those who inflict them; victims of unsafe, non-sane, and non-consensual activities should not be blamed for their victimization.  At the same time, there are some steps that may be taken to promote safety in an encounter.

Much of what can be said about safety may be boiled down to two concepts: communication and respect.  Communicate to your play partner what you are looking for, including limits.  And, respect what your play partner tells you about their desires. 

Discuss Limits. 

Recognize that most of us have “hard limits,” which are “absolute-no” activities that we will not do, and “soft limits,” which are preferences to avoid unless by mutual agreement interests change over the course of a session.  Know your own limits and communicate those to your play partner.  These may be limits about spanking and associated kink or BDSM activities or about sexual activity (or lack thereof) as part of the scene. 

Bottom Chart. 

There are a variety of versions of “bottom charts” available online, including on some profiles, which communicate the redness limit that is expected.  This is often helpful for a first meet so the spankee can communicate how red he wants - or is willing for - his bottom to become.  Note that everyone’s bottom reddens differently.  So, some may reach “level 5 (out of 10)” a lot faster than others.  In playing, it is always recommended to tell the Dom a number below what you think you will want.  You can always encourage the spanking to continue if desired. 

It’s OK to Renegotiate Limits and Preferences. 

What you or a play partner think is a limit, in theory, may actually surpass your comfort level, in practice.  Likewise, you or a play partner may find that a limit actually falls below the threshold they are willing to take.  Recognize that it’s okay to renegotiate limits and preferences, whether during a session or between a first and subsequent session with a repeat play partner (in fact, this is common, as with more play we discover where our desires most precisely fall).  However, this requires communication; do not assume that a limit may be surpassed, and if a play partner expresses that they want to stop before reaching a limit, do so.

Safe Words and Verbal Indicators. 

Will you have them?  For novice players, it is often wise to have a safe word as it might be hard to read the other person.  This allows the spankee to communicate very clearly if the spanking is becoming too hard.  It is recommended to use the three colors - Green/Yellow/Red.  Green means that all is good and to keep going.  Yellow communicates that it is getting to be a little hard or intense and should back down a bit.  Red communicates that it is over and should stop immediately.  You can also use “red” to indicate certain parts such as “red-paddle” which would indicate that you are okay continuing but not with the paddle, or “red-legs” indicating that the spanking can continue but no more additional swats to the legs. 

In addition, some spankers like to periodically check in with their spankee, asking how they are feeling and perhaps (if within their limits) even pausing to rub their bottom to allow for a moment of recovery and relaxation.  Many times this can be done without breaking the “scene” or “headspace” by instilling cues directly into scenes.  For example, a “son” in a roleplay could be asked, “what do you have to say for yourself?”; a “bratty” answer could be planned as an indicator to keep spanking, while a contrite and apologetic answer could be planned as an indicator that it’s time to wrap up the spanking. 

What About Pictures?

Pictures can help us to remember a good session, whether given or received.  However, photos should only be taken when permission is given to do so.  Likewise, photos should only be shared or posted if permission is given.  Double check any pictures before posting to be sure that they do not include unwanted identifying information in the background and that they are cropped, if necessary, to protect identities.  Of course, this is all a matter of personal preference.

Tell Someone Where You Are. 

A trusted friend can know where you are and when you plan to return.  You may also wish for them to call or text to check on you at an appointed time, and even to have an agreed-upon phrase that indicates a need for help.  Depending on how well you know the person, you may choose how explicit to be about what you are doing, but especially with a first meet, this can provide some measure of reassurance. 

Have an Escape Route.

Know how to leave your environment and what transportation resources are available.  Hopefully, this will not be necessary, but it is a precaution that is always useful to have in mind.

We hope that your play opportunities are enjoyable and that these suggestions help in keeping them within your preferred bounds. 

Excerpted from Strict Sirs and Bad Lads: The World of Male Spanking (by KCGuy and Paddleswats, book forthcoming 2023)