For some, the opportunity to engage in spanking play is about exactly that - spanking - and no more. For others, what starts with spanking play can build into a meaningful friendship, or on rare but not uncommon occasions, a romantic relationship.
Friends or Hookups
Although spanking may seem pretty straightforward, everyone is seeking a different experience. You will meet some guys online who just want to meet up for a spanking - one that starts and ends with a handshake. They may only contact you if and when they want to go over your lap or have you over theirs. Sometimes, it may be a fairly quick meeting to be arranged over a lunch break or a free evening, again with no expectation of anything other than a mutually-agreed-upon spanking. This is okay if it is what fits both individuals’ needs.
However, this may become a problem if both are not on the same page - that is, when one person wants a friendship and the other just wants someone who can deliver their spanking wants and needs. This is something that becomes clear fairly quickly, and it is wise to think about what you are looking for in advance.
If you are seeking a friendship and find someone who also wants a friendship, you will want to foster that and find hobbies or things in common aside from spanking to build on the friendship. Be clear in your profile regarding what you are wanting and discuss this dynamic in advance.
There are many forms that a spanking friendship can take. In some cases, it’s a trip to the bar or sharing a meal together. In others, spanking is the entry point from which we can find meaningful friendships, and sometimes even best friends who become an important part of our life far beyond the spanking world. It is truly rewarding when this happens, and like any friendship, it evolves naturally.
Many in the spanking scene value the connections that they have made with others, looking forward to the next event or the next visit to a city where spanking friends live. It can sometimes feel as though we are members of a fraternity with others who understand us, which allows friendships to emerge. To some, the spanking community is almost a “second family” that provides support and understanding, and especially of an interest that is not widely shared.
The Honeymoon Period
There are many people out there; some you will click with and others you will not. Once you find that person you click with, there may seem to be a “honeymoon period,” if you will. You may chat a lot, perhaps many hours in the same day or regularly each day for a week. However, if you live far away and are not able to meet, you may seem to drift apart or have trouble maintaining a conversation after you have explored your favorite scenes, implements, and even some online play. However, don't lose hope. Befriend them online and make them a favorite. When you see them again, say “hi.” Then, if you happen to be in their city, or they are in yours, or you are visiting the same place at the same time, you may be able to meet up.
Topics to Avoid
As you get to know someone and at the start of the dialog, it is important to stay away from topics that will make the person uncomfortable. This can include politics, religion, and their family or work. Over time, if a friendship develops, you may find that you share more personal things with one another. Of course, this is general advice that applies to all new friendships.
Respect Privacy and Preferences
Even though you may have found a “friend” online, there are many who like to keep this part of their lives separate from the rest of their world. You will find that some people will not want to share information about their personal life, even if a friendship develops (i.e. family, work, living location, etc). Don’t confuse this as a lack of interest, but rather, as a preference to keep things separate in order to maintain a degree of discretion.
Likewise, balance this with playing safe. Don’t reveal personal information to someone you don’t trust or to someone you have just met. Over time, if it becomes comfortable to share personal information, that’s fine, but don’t feel pressured to do so yourself until you are comfortable. Additionally, it is common to speak for years to someone, have multiple meets, even hang out at the bar as friends, and still not share personal information. Just remember that everyone has their own preferences, and that should be respected.
The Contact Who Vanishes
Sometimes we may think that everything is going great, only to find that a contact disappears after what we thought was a nice chat. It is common to be “ghosted,” that is, to have communication suddenly discontinue, or to be blocked if you push a little too hard or if a message or question was misunderstood. If this happens, do not obsess about it. We have all been there. If you wish to do so, you may reflect over the dialog to consider whether anything you shared appears to have prompted the disappearance. Sometimes there may be something to learn from (e.g., were you demanding too much, too quickly? It happens to all of us). Other times, it may be a mystery as to why someone disappears, in which case, allow them their space to process whatever they may be feeling.
Additionally, it is common for some to delete their accounts and leave the scene for a while which may have nothing to do with your conversation with them; in fact, they may have been talking to a dozen or more people sharing interests and setting up possible meets. This is normal, as the spanking world may sometimes become too much and they need a break. If this happens, it is not personal to you, just something the person needed to do. They may come back and they may not.
In the spanking world, you may find a range of contacts from one-time hookups, to regular play partners seeking spanking and nothing else, to persons who become acquaintances, mentors, and friends. Celebrate each and recognize the different dynamics that they bring. Each person will bring their own dynamic, just as you bring yours!
Excerpted from Strict Sirs and Bad Lads: The World of Male Spanking (by KCGuy and Paddleswats, book forthcoming 2023)