Open Relationships

There are a wide range of people who enjoy adult spanking - men, women, non-binary, gay, straight, bi, pansexual, asexual, transgender, cisgender, coupled, married, polyamorous, monogamous, non-monagomous, “out,” “closeted,” and more.  There is a place for all in our community! 

One thing to recognize is that not all of your spanking partners will be unattached.  You, yourself, may be part of a relationship with another person, which might require a series of negotiations leading up to spanking play. 

Broadly speaking, and without offering any judgment, there are two types of relationships that you may encounter: Closed and open.  A “closed” relationship is one in which spanking play outside of a relationship is not something that has been discussed, or is something that has been discussed and deemed unsuitable by one person in the relationship.  Sometimes persons in closed relationships still engage in play “on the side,” but do not disclose this to their partners.  This is an individual decision which only that person can make for which no outside judgment should be made. 

Sometimes a person - even perhaps one who has been a prior play partner - may enter into a new relationship in which outside spanking activities are not acceptable.  If that is the case, respect their decision, even if it means your play is curtailed. 

In other cases, people may be in an “open” relationship, in which spanking outside of that relationship has been discussed and is acceptable.  However, it’s not quite as simple as that, as there are many varieties of open relationships, each of which may have its own particular rules or limits.

About Open Relationships

Recognize each person who is part of an open relationship has had their own unique journey.  For some, the path may have been smooth and easy to navigate; for others, it may have been difficult and bumpy to navigate.  And, for some, even the inquiry about establishing an open relationship results in an immediate and definitive “no,” which shuts down further conversation. 

Those seeking open relationships may encounter several challenges.  We offer these thoughts to help promote understanding of those who have open relationships and to suggest the importance of respecting the limits they may impose.

The “Coming Out” Process.  Spanking is an important part of our lives!  But, it’s not always easy to share, even with a partner or someone we feel very close to.  Some may hesitate to share their kink with their partner, for fear of being rejected, being regarded as strange, being judged, or other negative outcomes.  Some may go for years without telling their partner, waiting until they feel comfortable, supported, and that the time is right. 

Part of this process often includes teaching a partner about spanking.  They may have questions about the risk for physical harm or for the potential for spanking to be viewed as “taboo.”  They may also not fully understand the different types of spanking, so they may think (for instance) only of sensual spanking and not of punishment spanking.

All of these factors influence how a partner, a couple, or a polyamorous group view spanking.  That, in turn, can influence how an open relationship develops.

The “Ask.”  An equally challenging step for those in open relationships is expressing the desire to explore spanking with others.  In some cases, a partner may be supportive and enthusiastically support this quest.  In others, they may feel bad for not satisfying an important part of their partner’s life, or feel jealousy for those who can, or wonder if it will lead to “cheating,” whatever that may mean in the context of a relationship. 

As such, it is not unusual for those in an open relationship to have limits beyond the “usual” limits they would experience with spanking play.  These may include items such as:

• Limiting play only to spanking as opposed to including other kinks.
• Labeling some spanking activities, positions, scenes, and so on, as off limits.
• Specifying where play can or cannot occur (e.g., whether it is allowed at the residence or must take place elsewhere).
• Specifying certain times of day that play may or may not occur.
• Limiting sensual or sexual activity as part of a scene.
• Expectations about whether their partner wishes to be present and participate, know about meetups, or not hear about any of it.

Other questions may emerge as well, but recognize that your play partner who is in an open relationship has likely spent much time crafting the arrangement that works best for them.

It’s a Negotiation and an Evolution.  Every relationship has its own dynamics.  Once established, an agreement for an open relationship may remain in place, and be successful, for the duration of the relationship.  In other instances, there may be an evolution to either expand or restrict what is viewed as acceptable.  The limits that a regular play partner in an open relationship asks you to follow may change over time. 

Sometimes, a partner may discover their own interest in spanking.  When this happens, they may seek their own opportunities to play, whether jointly or separately, which brings its own set of limits and expectations. 

If you are in a relationship and are considering whether to ask for it to be opened to spanking play with others, recognize that it may be a stressful process.  Ask the advice of others in the community before doing so, and especially if you know others in open relationships of their own.  One important thing to consider is, once this subject has been brought up for conversation, it can’t be put back into the proverbial bottle. 

Working Within the Bounds of the Open Relationships of Others

For some play partners, you may never know whether they are in an open or closed relationships (or any relationship at all, for that matter).  In other cases, they may specifically disclose their relationship status, perhaps because they feel comfortable sharing information about their personal life with you or perhaps because doing so is necessary as part of a conversation about limits. 

If the topic comes up, there are a few simple guidelines to follow.

Ask but Do Not Pry. As described above, open relationships can be complex and, at times, complicated for someone else to fully understand.  You may need to ask to clarify boundaries so you do not break them, or so you do not accidently put the person in a position that could get them in trouble with their partner.

Respect Boundaries.  The concept and rules of an open relationship can vary across couples, so don’t assume that all have the same rules.  The common denominator is that it’s common for someone to have gotten permission to “play” (i.e., spank) with other guys, but with certain guidelines or stipulations about how that play may proceed. It is important to not push or pressure the other person to break any boundaries or rules they have with their partner.  As noted above, some examples of boundaries might be refraining from full nudity, limited sensual or sexual activity, and the location or time of the day that a meet can happen. 

Discretion.  Without judgment, you may find that your spanking partner is in a closed relationship and that you must keep the meet a secret.  If you are the spanker, you may want to inquire about how much redness or how many marks that they can be left with to ensure that their play is not accidentally revealed.

A ground rule for all play is that it must be safe, sane, and consensual.  This involves negotiations about what limits are acceptable and not.  The presence of an open relationship is simply one additional factor that may need to be taken into account as part of this process, for both the spanker and spankee alike.  As always, respect and communication are what’s most important.

Excerpted from Strict Sirs and Bad Lads: The World of Male Spanking (by KCGuy and Paddleswats, book forthcoming 2023)